Tuesday, March 18, 2008


Someday I'll have a strong prayer life. For now, it seems like I spend a lot of my day thinking about the Lord, and pondering things, and communicating with Him more by feelings and thoughts and experiences than by words spoken aloud. I'd like to have a dedicated prayer closet, with a couple of well-worn places where my knees have been. I'd like to see miraculous transformations all around me -- the result of spending serious time wrestling with God and winning.

Someday I'll really dig in and read my Bible, and understand it all, and be able to apply it all practically. For now, reading certain parts seems a chore, and I just can't seem to get one of those disciplined daily-reading plans off the ground. So I mostly jump around, or stumble randomly into reading a chapter or section that seems relevant at the moment, and sounds vaguely familiar.

Someday I'll fulfill my creative potential -- take all the talents the Lord has given me out of storage, and exercise them again. I'm sure they're still in there somewhere. For now, I mourn daily the utter dearth of imagination that I've suffered in the last several years. Artistic block is one thing; the apparent death of half my brain seems like quite another.

Someday, I'll be the kind of husband my wife deserves -- loving, romantic, strong, thinking only of her and her well-being. For the moment, I'm selfish, and never seem to be able to express my love for her like I know I should. There never seem to be enough hours in the day to do all the wonderful things with her that I imagine I could. When we have free time, I look at her, and she looks at me, and we shrug and wonder if we're boring. We're deeply in love, more with each passing day -- but maybe we should be doing something more.

Someday, I think we'd like to be missionaries in a far away land. I have friends that have done it, and I comprehend the beauty and wonder of watching people in other cultures hear the Gospel for the very first time, and of seeing them come to know the Lord with an innocence and sincerity that sounds refreshing to my weary, cynical American mind. For now, I have obligations that keep me where I am, and I'm content to be where I find myself. Probably not the kind of obligations you're thinking, if you think I'm working to acquire more stuff. It's not that. These are more along the lines of people that are relying on me, and I'm okay with that. I'm honored to be a critical part of the support structure for the people that I love.

Someday I'll exercise more and get in great shape, and floss daily, and help little old ladies across the street, and love my neighbor. Right now, I'm just too busy with, you know, life and stuff. I'm sure grateful for Jesus, and for God's grace. Grace covers me where I am -- right here, right now.

Someday I'll write the perfect blog post. For now, this one will have to do.


  1. Yes, me too. Except the part about loving your wife. :)

    I really want to feel the same intimacy with Scripture that I used to...it used to be ready on my lips and in my heart and that just isn't so anymore. I hate that so much.

  2. I'm not sure it came through, but I was hoping to express some tension between what we think we should be doing, and what many of us actually do in "real life".

    We have mostly been taught that doing the things I've listed is a pretty good measuring stick of how we're doing in our walk with the Lord. And maybe they are, and maybe they're not, since it's a living and dynamic relationship. There are different seasons in our lives where we place more or less emphasis on various aspects of our walk.

    While these are noble goals, I really don't want to set out to reach them within my own strength, I want to be transformed by the Holy Spirit to a degree where certain things actually become my natural inclination. And I accept that I am in utter and complete need of God's grace to carry me from what I am today to what He wants me to be.

  3. I get it. And, for example, our prayer life is not so compartmentalized to be kneeprints on the floor, but kneeprints in our heart, if we can but realize that.

  4. Tina - Yes, I absolutely agree. After a long time of beating myself up for not engaging in certain rituals in the exact manner I was told they should be practiced, I can honestly say I'm starting to sense and walk in the freedom that only Jesus can give. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

  5. ok, I see.

    but I still feel that way. :)

  6. Amy - And honestly, I do too. I say it's a "tension" because I do think those are good things to do. I can't tell you how many times I've spent hours and hours reading a book or engaged in an on-line discussion about the Bible, without actually reading the Bible itself. And in the end, felt empty and confused. So I pick up the Bible and start reading, and almost immediately sense something completely different by actually reading it, and letting it speak for itself.

    No matter what anyone says to the contrary, there is definitely a supernatural power that God Himself provides to back up the Word. My personal experience has been that the Holy Spirit is eager to teach us something straight from His heart if we read with ears to hear.